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Forgiveness By Karen M Gray
. There will be times in all our lives when we are wounded and need to forgive. But how do we forgive those who have inflicted us with horrendous pain? Is it even possible? The answer is a resounding, "Yes!" I can personally attest to the grace of God which enabled me to supernaturally forgive unconditionally. This was a special grace which enabled me to walk through a particularly hurtful period of time. However, there were still other hurts from other areas of hurt that I was left to work through in order to be truly free. This is where prayer, Holy Spirit teaching, Bible study, and other people's research were invaluable for me, and it would be remiss of me not to share those findings. The following are excerpts from my first book, Save Your Marriage. I believe these findings will be of value to you on your own journey towards forgiveness, wholeness and freedom. . The Forgiveness Definition: - As developed by Dr. Robert Enright, the founder of the International Forgiveness Institute
Forgiveness has also been described as a gift you give yourself in order to release your burden of anger and pain, and also to release yourself from living in the past. It allows both forgiver and offender the freedom to move on and live in peace. Although these things have been found to be true for the most part, these definitions remain secular (that is, they have not been outlined in the Bible). However, if you cannot come to the place of forgiving from your heart (you sincerely want to forgive and are determined to stand in your spiritual authority to do so), I have included the following successful methods that can help you overcome the negative emotions with which you are struggling - those paralysing emotions that you feel are preventing you from giving your forgiveness freely. Unfortunately emotions may not be the only struggle you are having while forgiving your spouse. There may be plethora of other arguments as to why you shouldn?t forgive, despite the Biblical command to do so. Most of these arguments, however, revolve around common myths concerning forgiveness, and as such need to be addressed outright:
For the person who has been wronged and who has struggled to forgive, forgiveness seems almost impossible. However, freedom from unforgiveness, or the emotional fallout (if you feel you have already forgiven), is possible especially when you know how. That doesn't mean the road to healing is an easy one, but the consequences of unforgiveness are far worse than the effort required to forgive. . Unforgiveness Can Make You Sick. The medical link between unforgiveness and disease has been well researched and documented, and these results can be found in many books and papers that have been recently published. Below I have included just a few people's conclusions to such research: The latest research (Barbara Elliott 2011 *2) has yielded this conclusion:
Dr Michael Barry - author of "The Forgiveness Project" *3 made this comment:
Dr. David Servan-Schrieber, MD, AntiCancer stated:
There is no denying the facts that unforgiveness causes serious illness in the body, but more importantly, unforgiveness causes spiritual illness as well. If we do not forgive, not only is our relationship with our spouse in jeopardy, but so is our relationship with God.
Again in Mark's gospel:
Finally, as previously mentioned, in the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant, we find the outcome of the wicked servant's unforgiveness.
Another aspect of unforgiveness is the way it changes a person's spirit. You may find yourself becoming angry and upset with your spouse at a moment's notice, and begin unloading your dissatisfaction, not just with regard to the current circumstances but other past hurtful events as well. It won't be planned - it will just happen. Angry accusatory outbursts are usually a subconscious way of trying to let your spouse know how hurtful he/she has been to you. You want your spouse to take responsibility for his/her actions, apologise, assure you that it will never happen again, and start to treat you with love and respect. Unfortunately, that's not what comes across to your spouse and, if left unchecked, you run the risk of becoming the transgressor: that is, you begin to hurt your spouse, instead! This can only become worse with time if you do not forgive. An unforgiving person can manifest a judgemental spirit that is harsh and demanding. He/she will develop high expectations of self and others, and become critical, even bitter, when these impossible expectations are not met. Another manifestation of unforgiveness is the development of an unreasonable fear, anxiety or compulsion. These behavioural patterns are often birthed in hurtful past events, and continue to surface whenever the possibility of a recurring event arises. (For example: A person who has suffered serious or on-going rejection may either retreat within him/herself, and through mistrust and a negative outlook, find it difficult to forge new relationships, or he/she may have a tendency to "show-off" or "be larger than life" in an attempt to gain recognition and acceptance. The latter also being harshly critical of others who are more talented or whose gifts outshine his/her own. Unfortunately, this behaviour is not generally applauded, and people tend to criticise and avoid association with (i.e. reject) those displaying it, which only exacerbates the rejection problem further!) From spiritual, psychological and physical perspectives, unforgiveness leads to poor health and may eventually lead to death. Conversely, the benefits of forgiveness far out-weigh the momentary discomfort connected with giving it. (Yes, there will be some discomfort.) Even if you choose not to remain together, you can be free from the pain of hurtful events. If you are trying to re-forge relationships that have seriously been damaged, then rebuilding whilst harbouring unforgiveness is like building with termites in wooden foundations. It will just keep eating away at everything you are trying so hard to build, until your house finally collapses under the strain. The burden of unforgiveness will consume your life until it changes you into someone you'd rather not be, and poisons the potential for a great relationship. Unforgiveness also leads to bitterness, which bleeds into other relationships (with family members, friends, work associates, etc., and even your relationship with God) poisoning them as well. Any way you look at it, choosing not to forgive is a really bad choice with equally bad consequences for your body, soul and spirit. . Biblical Forgiveness There is, of course, the Biblical importance of forgiveness: for the Christian, forgiveness is not merely an option - it was commanded, and as much as seventy times seven. Further to this, at the end of the parable of the unforgiving servant, Jesus makes this statement:
The reference to the "torturers" (the Greek word actually does mean "torturers", not "jailers" as a few Bible versions have translated) is not referring to hell and damnation after we die, as some would suppose. The unforgiving servant had himself, already been forgiven by God, (or if you follow the analogy through - saved by grace, washed clean and made fully righteous). Jesus's point here concerns God's sons and daughters who refuse to obey the command to forgive just as they have been forgiven. We don't like to talk about the discipline and chastisement of God but it is real none the less, for we are even told that the Father disciplines those whom He loves. (Hebrews 12:5b-6) To what then does this term "torturer" refer? Remember what happened to King Saul when God chastised him: God left him at the mercy of tormenting spirits to send a message to King Saul to change his attitude, (1 Samuel 18:7-10.) The torturers were tormenting spirits. The meaning of the parable is, therefore, obvious: if you choose not to forgive, you will be left at the mercy of tormenting spirits until you do. God is serious about our attitudes towards each other - especially in the area of unforgiveness. God is a God of restoration, love and unity. He is motivated by His complete and utterly passionate love towards each one of us. As such, to allow any rift between His children would be incongruent to that love. Unforgiveness prevents restoration and continues to hurt each person the longer it festers. As New Creations in Christ, it is no longer I that lives but Christ who lives in me. Likewise, Christ lives in the offending party. To exercise unforgiveness and even bitterness towards your brothers and/or sisters in Christ is to do so to Christ Himself. Jesus makes this clear when He describes the judgement of the nations in Matthew:
No longer is the command simply to love your neighbour as yourself. Jesus gave us a new commandment: (John 13:34) that we love one another as He loves us - i.e. completely and unconditionally. The benchmark is no longer how much we can love ourselves, and therefore others, but how much Christ who lives in us, can love through us. This means that forgiveness is given without expectation of an apology or any condition at all, just as He demonstrated at the cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He did not say, "If they are truly sorry and ask to be forgiven then I'll forgive them." No! He gave His forgiveness without condition to those who did not deserve it, nor were they repentant. In fact, they were still hurling abuse at Him while He hung there!! This was not the only moment that Jesus forgave in this manner. When a bunch of people lowered the paralytic down through the hole in the roof, Jesus told him that his sins were forgiven, (Matthew 9:2-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:17-26). The man hadn't asked for forgiveness at all. Rather, he had come seeking healing! When the religious became offended at this, Jesus reminded them that it was harder to forgive (and heal emotionally) than to heal a physical ailment, but to prove to them He was God and could do both, Jesus healed the man as well. Jesus also forgave the woman caught in adultery, (John 8:1-11). After the crowd left on conviction of their own sinfulness, He asked the woman where all her accusers were - was there no one left to condemn her. The woman confirmed there was no one left. Jesus then responded, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more!" It's safe to say she knew she was guilty and deserved death under the laws of this people. Like most, she would, in the very least, have been sorry she had been caught and left to bear the full consequences of her sins. However, she hadn't asked Jesus for forgiveness or even mercy, nor was there recorded in John's gospel any demonstration of remorse or repentance on her part. Nevertheless, Jesus gave her forgiveness freely. As He is, so are we in this world (1 John 4:17b). As you have been freely given these things, so freely give, (Matthew 10:8). The call to forgive is not only to forgive those who ask to be forgiven, though that is definitely the case as well, (see Matthew 18:21-22), as Christians we must love as Christ loves and forgive as He forgives. Moreover, if we do not forgive from our hearts (that is with an honest desire to forgive and let go. This does not mean we no longer have any feelings of the pain inflicted by the wrong doer, but we are giving up our legal right to demand retribution), we risk chastisement for disobedience. So whether you want to or not, to forgive your brethren (or anyone else for that matter) for any hurt he/she has caused is the first step to your own spiritual health. It doesn't matter whether they are sorry or not. No one is suggesting this is an easy task, nor did Jesus, but it can be done because it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me, and this life I live by faith in the Son of God! (Galatians 2:20) If Jesus can forgive even unto death, that same Christ in me enables me to forgive as well. I can personally attest to the power of this in my own life. I know He is able to help you do the same. Sure, those hurt feeling want to arise any time the memory of those hurtful actions and words come to mind, but as you forgive in the authority and name of Jesus, it is done in the spirit. The emotions may want to come back, but the case is closed. So when you feel those things or the enemy tries to remind you, tell him to talk to the hand - you have forgiven. It's done! I am by no means undermining the struggles many of us have with these bruised feelings and the even harder time we have forgetting. Legally it's finished, but emotionally you may still need healing! As such, I now want to describe in more depth how you can achieve forgiveness without harbouring those hurts, and reliving those painful memories. Let's start by taking a closer look at the mechanics of emotional injury and forgiveness. . Stages of Forgiveness The stages of forgiveness are said to be like the stages of grief. These stages are Denial (sometimes called the Grief stage), Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. However, though the Denial and Acceptance stages are always the first and last, depending on whose research you read, there can be some to-ing and fro-ing between the Anger, Depression and Bargaining stages.
. Some Hurts Are Harder to Forgive A person's ability to forgive will vary depending on a few different factors. The first may be the amount of investment made into the relationship. (For example, marriage is a huge emotional, financial, physical and life long investment, as opposed to a relationship with a casual friend, which may have very little invested in it. Forgiveness and reconciliation are desired above losing the larger investment.) Conversely, if the offence was intentional or malicious, rather than accidental, or seen to be serious rather than trivial, forgiveness may also be difficult to give. The victim's ability to forgive also depends on whether the victim has more tendency towards selfishness than to selflessness. In other words, forgiveness is more likely when:
For example, in the case of an affair, there is a heavy investment in the relationship, which in turn makes forgiveness and restoration desired. However, the nature of the transgression is serious, and even more so if the discovery was not made through the admission of the offender. If this is your plight, I won't lie to you, the road to forgiveness may be difficult, but many people have negotiated the murky waters to a place of freedom, trust and a stronger relationships today. Be assured that you are not working through this alone as God is more than willing to help you through this process into complete healing. Above all, He is your biggest help. . How Do I Forgive? As mentioned above, Dr Robert Enright *5 of the International Forgiveness Institute wrote:
Helpful steps towards forgiveness: For some people a simple prayer followed by
some kind of gesture of reconciliation is all that will
be required to mend the relationship or set the record
straight. At this point life happily moves on. However,
for massive wounds you may be still dealing with the
shock of the event and are completely bamboozled as to
how to proceed. In this case you may need to take things
a step at a time.
Even though you have forgiven the offending party, your pain may still be present, your relationship situation may still be in tatters, and you may still be struggling with memories and images that haunt you. You do not want to live in those past hurtful experiences, and nor do you have to do so. Reliving these negative events over and over can obscure positive memories of all the good things God and others have done in your life. They literally rob you of any joy to be had. It has been said that first comes the action then the feelings - not necessarily the other way around, or nothing would get done! A person can forgive and still feel the grief or pain from the wound. For some, the steps outlined above are all that is required to be released from past hurts, but for others, this damage will take time to repair. The good news is that even recurring images and thoughts associated with the transgression(s) against you, can be dealt with, leaving you completely free. While there are several proven secular methods of dealing with past hurts so that they no longer inflict pain, (e.g. reframing and reimaging techniques) there are also Christian ways to separate the hurt from the memory and thus, leave it in the past. These can include Sozo and Spirit-led healing, and even inviting God into the memory to show you what He thinks, what He was doing, and how much you mean to Him despite the hurt others are inflicting. A pastor once shared another helpful tip given by the Holy Spirit. Picture a wall between you and the offence. Everything you place on the other side of the wall is left under the cross. As Christ followers, we were never meant to be burdened down with offences. On the contrary, His yolk is easy and His burden light. He wants us to lay those burdens down. Every time the offence raises its ugly head to try to re-wound you with the pain and hurt of that event, you can simply tell it to stop right there and return back to the other side of the wall. You've dealt with it! You've forgiven! Legally it's done! It has no right to hassle you again. You don't need to carry that thing any more. . A Note on Unconditional Forgiveness Unconditional forgiveness is required when the offender is not sorry or apologetic in any way. Remember Stephen of Acts. When he was being stoned to death, Stephen prayed that this offence would not be counted against his attackers. It was obvious that his attackers were not in the least sorry, but still he forgave unconditionally. Jesus was able to forgive those who were not sorry, but the story of Stephen demonstrates that we too can forgive as Christ forgives, because He lives in us. The offending party may be blaming you for everything in order to justify his/her actions, which to everyone else appears totally wrong. An apology could be furthermost from their mind. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is not given to benefit their situation, whether he/she deserves it or not, as much as it is to benefit your own. As discussed earlier, unforgiveness leads to ill health in body, mind and spirit. You simply cannot afford to hold on to offences if you want to move on with a healthy life. Unconditional forgiveness is not automatic, though it may become easier to apply the more it is practiced. In most cases, however, you will need to ask God for a special grace to enable you to bear the pain even though you know the offence may be repeated or is still continuing. This was my case. It was God's grace that enabled me to walk through the pain, to forgive unconditionally and move on. Pray for this grace and strength as you go through the steps already outlined above. These steps are still applicable, even though you may not be able to talk to the offending party, or even if you are, he/she may not be interested in listening to how you feel. If this is this case you will need to write a letter or email explaining your feelings and most importantly, that you forgive. Whether the offending party reads your correspondence, or is willing to accept your forgiveness, is not your problem to deal with. You have done all in your power to forgive and release. You have acted in a Godly manner as befits a child of God. The matter is now closed! . Footnotes: * 1 Dr Robert Enright, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope" Published by the American Psychology Association. 2008. ISBN: 978-1-55798-757-0 * 2 By Barbara Elliott, "Forgiveness Therapy: A Clinical Intervention for Chronic Disease." 2011. Journal of Religion and Health, 50(2), 240-247 * 3 Dr Michael S. Barry, "The Forgiveness Project" Published by Kregel Publications 2011 * 4 Taken from - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Determinants_of_Forgiveness_Graphic.jpg, and made available for public use by Interpersonalcomm09 of Wikimedia Commons. * 5 Dr Robert Enright. "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope" Published by the American Psychology Association. 2008. ISBN: 978-1-55798-757-0 --------------- . For a PDF copy of this discussion, click here! |
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